Hope in the Day of Torment, Part 5
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As they waited outside the morgue for Harry to arrange things, Lucas asked quietly, "Lina, are you sure you're up to this?"
"I have to know," she said, and tightened her fingers around his as Harry opened the door and motioned for them to come in.
The body was completely covered by a white sheet, with only part of the face revealed. Watching Lina as she gazed steadily at it, Lucas saw tears form in her eyes. Then she whispered, "And his hand?"
Harry brought it carefully out from under the sheet and turned it so that the palm was visible, with its irregular folds of scar tissue. Lina gasped, then crumpled so suddenly that Lucas didn't have the chance to catch her before she'd banged her head on the edge of the trolley and fallen awkwardly at his feet. Alarmed, Lucas went down on one knee and attempted to scoop her up, but then Harry was there, pushing his hands away.
"Don't, you'll hurt yourself even more," Harry said "I'll get her."
He pulled Lina into his arms and straightened up. "Can you ring for the lift, Lucas?"
Wiggling his fingers to remind Harry that he wasn't completely incapacitated, Lucas pressed the button. At least he could do that much, but he still wished that he were the one who was holding Lina, and not Harry. It took a minute for the lift to arrive, and Harry asked conversationally, "Why do you think they broke both of your arms, but only one of Lina's?"
"They were going to do more. They got a telephone call," Lucas remembered. "They said they had to go … wait. They said, 'Five alert.' Just like that. 'Five alert. We have to go.'"
"That's an interesting phrase."
"Maybe they meant MI-5 alert," Lucas mused. "They could be on to you, Harry."
Harry smiled briefly. "And we could be on to them now, thanks to this. We've had very little personal information on Chtgheglovski before now, and no knowledge of his identity as Nick Barnes."
They had reached the third floor by then, and Lina's eyelids were starting to flutter. In the waiting room, Harry pushed the coffee table away with one leg, then settled her on the couch and stepped back.
Kneeling down, Lucas reached up and smoothed Lina's hair away from her face. She opened her eyes, then shut them again.
"Lina?" he asked. Eventually, her eyes opened again and she managed to focus on him.
"What—?" she asked.
"You fainted," he told her. Lina glanced around, looked at Harry, then looked away again. She didn't cry, and somehow, that was worse for Lucas than if she'd burst into tears.
There were no words that he could say to a woman who'd not only lost a husband but had also discovered that the husband wasn't who she'd thought he was. Lucas could only try to comfort her by showing her she wasn't alone, that he was there, and that he cared. Unable to hug her properly, he had to settle for running his fingers down her arm. His skin ached for more contact with her, but she twitched away and sat up.
"I want to go home, but it doesn't seem like home anymore," she said, her voice quiet and curiously devoid of emotion. "And what if it's not safe there? What if they come back?"
"You should stay somewhere else to-night," Lucas said, getting off his knees and sitting down on the couch next to her. His mind raced ahead, imagining what would happen if the two men did come back, unlikely though it was. Lina would tell them that her husband was dead, they'd find out that she'd been in contact with MI-5, and that would be enough for them to kill her. "Harry—"
Before he could finish the sentence, however, the phone rang. Harry picked it up, said, "Yes," and listened for several moments, then said a word of thanks before hanging up again.
"It seems there are two Nicholas Barnes," he said. "Both were born on the 23rd of December, 1972, in Colchester, both have the same parents, and both, curiously enough, share the same NHS number. One is currently living in Saudi Arabia and has been for several years, working as an engineer in laser technology. The other –"
He didn't complete the sentence. He didn't have to. Instead, he said simply, "I'm sorry."
Lina didn't respond. Harry waited a moment, then said, "Lina, with your permission, I'd like to have my team go over your flat, to see if they can find anything that can help lead us to the other members of his Mafia cell."
Lina made a dispirited gesture with one hand. "If I say no, you'll do it anyway. Go ahead. I don't care."
"I think Lina's had enough for one day," Lucas broke in. "No more talk about Nick, or anything else. Lina, you're coming back to the safe house with me, you'll stay there to-night, and then we'll see what the situation is to-morrow. I'll call Tim—"
He stopped, then looked at Harry in chagrin. "I left my mobile in Lina's flat."
"I'll call the safe house," Harry said. "I was going to suggest one for Lina anyway, not necessarily yours, but why not? You can wait here until Tim comes."
He stood up and walked to the door, then stopped and said again,"Lina, I'm sorry."
Lina ignored him, and Harry went out. They sat there in silence after he'd gone, with Lina staring off into space, and Lucas watching her. Eventually, the door opened and Tim came in. He was a young agent at MI-5 and had been given the low-priority task of minding Lucas while he got used to the world again after years in prison.
"So, Lucas, I guess you lost the arm-wrestling competition then, huh?" he said with a grin. Lucas managed a weak smile in return. Lina didn't react.
"Lina, this is Tim Forster, he's going to take us to the safe house," Lucas told her.
Lina gave Tim a quick look and an unenthusiastic, "Hi."
"Tim, this is Lina. My ex-wife."
"Hi, Lina, pleased to meet you." Tim turned back to Lucas, and although Lucas knew that Tim could see the bruises that had come out on Lina's face, the man smiled and said, "She's a beauty. I can see why you chose her."
Lucas waited for Lina to come back with the retort of "I chose him!" that he'd heard so often in the years of their marriage, but she didn't say anything. Finally, Lucas answered simply, "Yes."
"Ready to go? Joan's got your favourite, fish and chips." It was a joke between them now, but Lucas grimaced at the thought. After his first encounter with the typical British meal since his return, he wasn't able to stand so much as the smell anymore. Thankfully, Tim grinned. "No, it's lasagne, really."
That was a more appetitzing statement, and Lucas realized he hadn't eaten all day. "That sounds good. Are you hungry, Lina?"
She shook her head and stood up.
"Don't forget the picture," Lucas said, reaching for the portrait on the table, but Lina said, "I don't want it."
Perversely pleased, Lucas left it where it was.
At the safe house, Lucas introduced Lina to Joan, the housekeeper, and they sat down to lasagne, salad, and garlic bread. By then, the numbing agent had worn off, and Lucas could feel a sharp ache in his arm each time he raised a forkful of food to his mouth. At least Lina had full use of one hand, he thought, then realized she wasn't using it for more than the occasional poke at her lasagne.
"You're not eating," Joan said bluntly. "Is there something wrong with it?"
Lina blinked and looked down as though seeing her plate for the first time. "No. It's fine. I'm not hungry."
Lucas frowned, remembering that Lina had often had trouble eating when she felt stressed. She'd always claimed she was fine without food, but it had never stopped him from worrying. Although he wanted to say something, Lucas stopped himself. She'd had a horrific day, to put it mildly, and nagging was probably the last thing she needed now. He'd watch her to-morrow and force her to eat then, if necessary.
Immediately after supper, Lina went up to the bedroom that had been assigned to her. Lucas followed soon after, feeling uncharacteristically exhausted. He'd changed into his pyjamas and had just come out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth when he saw Lina's door open a crack. He stopped and looked at it expectantly.
"I thought I would fall right to sleep, but I can't," Lina said dully, opening the door wider. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," he said, walking across the hall. Lina was wearing one of Tim's shirts that fell to just below her hips, exposing her legs, and Lucas couldn't help staring in appreciation. Wordlessly inviting him into the room, Lina shut the door behind him, then stood in front of it, biting her lip and looking down at the floor. Lucas waited, and after a moment, Lina asked, "Could you do something for me?"
"Anything," Lucas assured her, looking into her face.
"Even though we're divorced and I was in love with another man until yesterday?" she asked. Her voice was so dull that it sounded like she was reading a line from a page without thinking of what she was saying.
"Anything, Lina," he repeated.
"Could you hug me? I just want to be held."
Lucas understood exactly how she felt; he wanted a hug, too. And in hugging, giving was almost the same as receiving. "Sure."
He came closer and awkwardly put his arms around her, squeezing gently and hoping that he wasn't actually digging his casts into her back and making her uncomfortable. At first, she snuggled into his chest, and even snaked her good arm around his waist, but after a moment, she let go and said simply, "No."
The rejection stung, and Lucas let go immediately. Before he could offer to leave, however, Lina said, "Could you sit here at the head of the bed, and I'll lean back against you?"
Lucas sat where she'd indicated and tucked the pillow behind his back. Lina squeezed in between his legs, then leaned back against his chest and settled the duvet over both of them. Gently, Lucas folded his arms around her, but then their casts hit, grinding together, and Lina exclaimed softly in pain and frustration.
"Sorry." Lucas pulled his arms out from under the warm duvet and hugged her from the outside instead. "Is that better?"
"Yes." After a long moment, Lina said flatly, "I loved him. I thought he loved me, too. How could he lie to me like that?"
Lucas had been thinking about Nick Barnes after supper, unable to reconcile the man's behaviour with what he knew of the mafia. He'd been forced to consider some very far-fetched theories, and now he gently voiced one of them. "Perhaps he loved you so much he wanted to protect you."
Lina was silent for a few moments. Lucas didn't tell her his other theory, which was that Nick Barnes, or Chtgheglovski, or whatever his name had been, had kept his mafia cell secret from her, for selfish reasons. Perhaps he'd wanted a façade of legality and normal family life to help balance his illegal activities. But then, he'd also kept Lina secret from his mafia cell. Lucas remembered what the brown-haired man had said, that they had found photos and information about Lina at Chtgheglovski's flat. No doubt they'd searched it after Chtgheglovski's disappearance, to see if he'd left any clues. They couldn't have known about Lina before, or they would have gone round to her earlier. It seemed to indicate that he'd been protecting Lina, so maybe he had truly loved her. Lucas felt a burst of jealousy at that thought, and immediately downgraded it to Chtgheglovski only having treasured Lina, in the same way that private collectors treasured their original paintings and kept them carefully locked away in secret vaults, to be enjoyed in solitude. Yes. That was better. Lina had only been a bauble to him. He couldn't have loved Lina like Lucas did.
"I feel like I should be crying, but I can't," Lina finally said. "I can't feel much of anything at the moment."
"It's the shock," Lucas said. "But it's all right. You don't have to feel." He himself was enjoying the touch of her skin next to his, her weight on his chest, and the smell of her hair in his nose.
"I hate myself for being so weak," Lina whispered.
"You're not weak," Lucas told her, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. "You've been through a lot to-day."
"I don't want the pain to come back," she admitted.
"I know," Lucas said. "But if you want, I'll be here with you when it does."
"Thank you," Lina said. After a moment, she added dully, "It's funny that you're still alive and he's dead. Yesterday it was the other way around for me."
Instead of answering, Lucas just hugged her a bit more tightly. Lina didn't say anything after that, and they sat in comfortable silence until her breathing became deep and regular. Lucas stayed awake a while longer, thinking. Nick Barnes was dead. Better yet, Nick Barnes had never existed. Lina had left the portrait of her and Nick at Thames House, and had even indicated she was no longer in love with the man. Even though he'd have to take things very slowly and carefully with her, Lucas still experienced a tiny spark of triumph. He existed. He was still alive and he was holding Lina in his arms, as broken as they were. But broken bones could heal, and so could broken hearts. There was hope.
The End « Last Edit: Today at 7:01 by zelofheda »
Back to Spooks Fanfiction Page
Written May 2008
As they waited outside the morgue for Harry to arrange things, Lucas asked quietly, "Lina, are you sure you're up to this?"
"I have to know," she said, and tightened her fingers around his as Harry opened the door and motioned for them to come in.
The body was completely covered by a white sheet, with only part of the face revealed. Watching Lina as she gazed steadily at it, Lucas saw tears form in her eyes. Then she whispered, "And his hand?"
Harry brought it carefully out from under the sheet and turned it so that the palm was visible, with its irregular folds of scar tissue. Lina gasped, then crumpled so suddenly that Lucas didn't have the chance to catch her before she'd banged her head on the edge of the trolley and fallen awkwardly at his feet. Alarmed, Lucas went down on one knee and attempted to scoop her up, but then Harry was there, pushing his hands away.
"Don't, you'll hurt yourself even more," Harry said "I'll get her."
He pulled Lina into his arms and straightened up. "Can you ring for the lift, Lucas?"
Wiggling his fingers to remind Harry that he wasn't completely incapacitated, Lucas pressed the button. At least he could do that much, but he still wished that he were the one who was holding Lina, and not Harry. It took a minute for the lift to arrive, and Harry asked conversationally, "Why do you think they broke both of your arms, but only one of Lina's?"
"They were going to do more. They got a telephone call," Lucas remembered. "They said they had to go … wait. They said, 'Five alert.' Just like that. 'Five alert. We have to go.'"
"That's an interesting phrase."
"Maybe they meant MI-5 alert," Lucas mused. "They could be on to you, Harry."
Harry smiled briefly. "And we could be on to them now, thanks to this. We've had very little personal information on Chtgheglovski before now, and no knowledge of his identity as Nick Barnes."
They had reached the third floor by then, and Lina's eyelids were starting to flutter. In the waiting room, Harry pushed the coffee table away with one leg, then settled her on the couch and stepped back.
Kneeling down, Lucas reached up and smoothed Lina's hair away from her face. She opened her eyes, then shut them again.
"Lina?" he asked. Eventually, her eyes opened again and she managed to focus on him.
"What—?" she asked.
"You fainted," he told her. Lina glanced around, looked at Harry, then looked away again. She didn't cry, and somehow, that was worse for Lucas than if she'd burst into tears.
There were no words that he could say to a woman who'd not only lost a husband but had also discovered that the husband wasn't who she'd thought he was. Lucas could only try to comfort her by showing her she wasn't alone, that he was there, and that he cared. Unable to hug her properly, he had to settle for running his fingers down her arm. His skin ached for more contact with her, but she twitched away and sat up.
"I want to go home, but it doesn't seem like home anymore," she said, her voice quiet and curiously devoid of emotion. "And what if it's not safe there? What if they come back?"
"You should stay somewhere else to-night," Lucas said, getting off his knees and sitting down on the couch next to her. His mind raced ahead, imagining what would happen if the two men did come back, unlikely though it was. Lina would tell them that her husband was dead, they'd find out that she'd been in contact with MI-5, and that would be enough for them to kill her. "Harry—"
Before he could finish the sentence, however, the phone rang. Harry picked it up, said, "Yes," and listened for several moments, then said a word of thanks before hanging up again.
"It seems there are two Nicholas Barnes," he said. "Both were born on the 23rd of December, 1972, in Colchester, both have the same parents, and both, curiously enough, share the same NHS number. One is currently living in Saudi Arabia and has been for several years, working as an engineer in laser technology. The other –"
He didn't complete the sentence. He didn't have to. Instead, he said simply, "I'm sorry."
Lina didn't respond. Harry waited a moment, then said, "Lina, with your permission, I'd like to have my team go over your flat, to see if they can find anything that can help lead us to the other members of his Mafia cell."
Lina made a dispirited gesture with one hand. "If I say no, you'll do it anyway. Go ahead. I don't care."
"I think Lina's had enough for one day," Lucas broke in. "No more talk about Nick, or anything else. Lina, you're coming back to the safe house with me, you'll stay there to-night, and then we'll see what the situation is to-morrow. I'll call Tim—"
He stopped, then looked at Harry in chagrin. "I left my mobile in Lina's flat."
"I'll call the safe house," Harry said. "I was going to suggest one for Lina anyway, not necessarily yours, but why not? You can wait here until Tim comes."
He stood up and walked to the door, then stopped and said again,"Lina, I'm sorry."
Lina ignored him, and Harry went out. They sat there in silence after he'd gone, with Lina staring off into space, and Lucas watching her. Eventually, the door opened and Tim came in. He was a young agent at MI-5 and had been given the low-priority task of minding Lucas while he got used to the world again after years in prison.
"So, Lucas, I guess you lost the arm-wrestling competition then, huh?" he said with a grin. Lucas managed a weak smile in return. Lina didn't react.
"Lina, this is Tim Forster, he's going to take us to the safe house," Lucas told her.
Lina gave Tim a quick look and an unenthusiastic, "Hi."
"Tim, this is Lina. My ex-wife."
"Hi, Lina, pleased to meet you." Tim turned back to Lucas, and although Lucas knew that Tim could see the bruises that had come out on Lina's face, the man smiled and said, "She's a beauty. I can see why you chose her."
Lucas waited for Lina to come back with the retort of "I chose him!" that he'd heard so often in the years of their marriage, but she didn't say anything. Finally, Lucas answered simply, "Yes."
"Ready to go? Joan's got your favourite, fish and chips." It was a joke between them now, but Lucas grimaced at the thought. After his first encounter with the typical British meal since his return, he wasn't able to stand so much as the smell anymore. Thankfully, Tim grinned. "No, it's lasagne, really."
That was a more appetitzing statement, and Lucas realized he hadn't eaten all day. "That sounds good. Are you hungry, Lina?"
She shook her head and stood up.
"Don't forget the picture," Lucas said, reaching for the portrait on the table, but Lina said, "I don't want it."
Perversely pleased, Lucas left it where it was.
At the safe house, Lucas introduced Lina to Joan, the housekeeper, and they sat down to lasagne, salad, and garlic bread. By then, the numbing agent had worn off, and Lucas could feel a sharp ache in his arm each time he raised a forkful of food to his mouth. At least Lina had full use of one hand, he thought, then realized she wasn't using it for more than the occasional poke at her lasagne.
"You're not eating," Joan said bluntly. "Is there something wrong with it?"
Lina blinked and looked down as though seeing her plate for the first time. "No. It's fine. I'm not hungry."
Lucas frowned, remembering that Lina had often had trouble eating when she felt stressed. She'd always claimed she was fine without food, but it had never stopped him from worrying. Although he wanted to say something, Lucas stopped himself. She'd had a horrific day, to put it mildly, and nagging was probably the last thing she needed now. He'd watch her to-morrow and force her to eat then, if necessary.
Immediately after supper, Lina went up to the bedroom that had been assigned to her. Lucas followed soon after, feeling uncharacteristically exhausted. He'd changed into his pyjamas and had just come out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth when he saw Lina's door open a crack. He stopped and looked at it expectantly.
"I thought I would fall right to sleep, but I can't," Lina said dully, opening the door wider. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," he said, walking across the hall. Lina was wearing one of Tim's shirts that fell to just below her hips, exposing her legs, and Lucas couldn't help staring in appreciation. Wordlessly inviting him into the room, Lina shut the door behind him, then stood in front of it, biting her lip and looking down at the floor. Lucas waited, and after a moment, Lina asked, "Could you do something for me?"
"Anything," Lucas assured her, looking into her face.
"Even though we're divorced and I was in love with another man until yesterday?" she asked. Her voice was so dull that it sounded like she was reading a line from a page without thinking of what she was saying.
"Anything, Lina," he repeated.
"Could you hug me? I just want to be held."
Lucas understood exactly how she felt; he wanted a hug, too. And in hugging, giving was almost the same as receiving. "Sure."
He came closer and awkwardly put his arms around her, squeezing gently and hoping that he wasn't actually digging his casts into her back and making her uncomfortable. At first, she snuggled into his chest, and even snaked her good arm around his waist, but after a moment, she let go and said simply, "No."
The rejection stung, and Lucas let go immediately. Before he could offer to leave, however, Lina said, "Could you sit here at the head of the bed, and I'll lean back against you?"
Lucas sat where she'd indicated and tucked the pillow behind his back. Lina squeezed in between his legs, then leaned back against his chest and settled the duvet over both of them. Gently, Lucas folded his arms around her, but then their casts hit, grinding together, and Lina exclaimed softly in pain and frustration.
"Sorry." Lucas pulled his arms out from under the warm duvet and hugged her from the outside instead. "Is that better?"
"Yes." After a long moment, Lina said flatly, "I loved him. I thought he loved me, too. How could he lie to me like that?"
Lucas had been thinking about Nick Barnes after supper, unable to reconcile the man's behaviour with what he knew of the mafia. He'd been forced to consider some very far-fetched theories, and now he gently voiced one of them. "Perhaps he loved you so much he wanted to protect you."
Lina was silent for a few moments. Lucas didn't tell her his other theory, which was that Nick Barnes, or Chtgheglovski, or whatever his name had been, had kept his mafia cell secret from her, for selfish reasons. Perhaps he'd wanted a façade of legality and normal family life to help balance his illegal activities. But then, he'd also kept Lina secret from his mafia cell. Lucas remembered what the brown-haired man had said, that they had found photos and information about Lina at Chtgheglovski's flat. No doubt they'd searched it after Chtgheglovski's disappearance, to see if he'd left any clues. They couldn't have known about Lina before, or they would have gone round to her earlier. It seemed to indicate that he'd been protecting Lina, so maybe he had truly loved her. Lucas felt a burst of jealousy at that thought, and immediately downgraded it to Chtgheglovski only having treasured Lina, in the same way that private collectors treasured their original paintings and kept them carefully locked away in secret vaults, to be enjoyed in solitude. Yes. That was better. Lina had only been a bauble to him. He couldn't have loved Lina like Lucas did.
"I feel like I should be crying, but I can't," Lina finally said. "I can't feel much of anything at the moment."
"It's the shock," Lucas said. "But it's all right. You don't have to feel." He himself was enjoying the touch of her skin next to his, her weight on his chest, and the smell of her hair in his nose.
"I hate myself for being so weak," Lina whispered.
"You're not weak," Lucas told her, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. "You've been through a lot to-day."
"I don't want the pain to come back," she admitted.
"I know," Lucas said. "But if you want, I'll be here with you when it does."
"Thank you," Lina said. After a moment, she added dully, "It's funny that you're still alive and he's dead. Yesterday it was the other way around for me."
Instead of answering, Lucas just hugged her a bit more tightly. Lina didn't say anything after that, and they sat in comfortable silence until her breathing became deep and regular. Lucas stayed awake a while longer, thinking. Nick Barnes was dead. Better yet, Nick Barnes had never existed. Lina had left the portrait of her and Nick at Thames House, and had even indicated she was no longer in love with the man. Even though he'd have to take things very slowly and carefully with her, Lucas still experienced a tiny spark of triumph. He existed. He was still alive and he was holding Lina in his arms, as broken as they were. But broken bones could heal, and so could broken hearts. There was hope.
The End « Last Edit: Today at 7:01 by zelofheda »
Back to Spooks Fanfiction Page
Written May 2008