I've just finished the first draft of my newest story and sent it to my first beta reader. I'm partly excited and partly terrified. Naturally, I hope it's good enough to submit to Mindflights, after some polishing of course, but I'm also worried about how my main character will come across, and how my world-building stands up on its own, and whether my story is just a poor re-hash of other things I've read which are well-known in the sci fi and fantasy universe. Argh! Why does life have to be so nerve-wracking? ;-)
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When I was younger, I wanted to be an astronaut. Or at least travel in outer space like on the Starship Enterprise. I also remember wanting to be able to run as fast as The Six Million Dollar Man. Later, I wanted to be a gymnast. Then I wanted to be a librarian. I also dreamed of being successful in various other things.
For the past ten or eleven years, I've also dreamed of becoming a published writer. I suppose in a way I am -- I do have the one story that got published in the first Christmas anthology by LDS Publisher. But I wanted to write an entire book and have it be accepted for publication, then become a bestseller. But although I have made so much progress over the past decade, I now feel like I'm hitting a wall. I don't feel capable of resolving situations, whether they are in real life or in plots. How many times have I come up with ideas, only to reject them because I can't see how to work them out? One online friend asked me to take that Christmas story and turn it into a book. I didn't know how then, and I still don't know how. I couldn't extrapolate those few elements into something bigger. And most if not all of my main characters end up acting like me, and I've already mentioned that I very probably have Asperger's Syndrome. Even when I try to create main characters who aren't based on me, I know they tend to slide in that direction anyway. Then, of course, there's the problem that was pointed out to me last year, that my characters don't react realistically. They probably aren't all that sympathetic, either. I've written in various fandoms over the years, and although I know my grammar and spelling are good, I've always wondered why my stories just aren't as popular as those of others. Now I'm starting to get a glimpse of why -- it's all down to the "soul" of the story. And my Asperger's soul shines through with unmistakeable clarity. Even if the readers don't know exactly why, I'm sure they sense that there's just a different feeling there, whereas other authors show energy, cheerfulness, resourcefulness, good people skills, and all kinds of other positive qualities that make for a more pleasant reading experience. Or so it seems to me. Anyway, I am taking a break from writing for now, because I am feeling quite depressed about the whole thing. I used to think I had a talent for writing, but maybe it's just a talent for memorizing grammar and spelling. I will try to hang onto the dream, in hopes of coming back to it later when I'm feeling better, but I can already feel it inching towards my Garden of Unviable Ambitions. No doubt it's aiming for a place next to the lumpy, ungainly, and downright flawed statues of all the other dreams I used to have, projects that nobody else would recognize without a big explanatory sign, and sometimes not even then, because I never got very far or did very well on any of them. Maybe I should have stayed in the library. Well, Mormon Artist has just announced 32 finalists in their Mormon Lit Blitz contest, out of over 200 submissions, and I am not among them. To see why, go here and read my little story, entitled Thou Shalt Not Kill.
Every day, I wonder if I really have what it takes, and every day, I see my weaknesses and worry that the answer is no. I've been in a writing depression lately, unable to muster much enthusiasm for my current story and practically empty of ideas for anything else. I didn't think I'd be able to come up with anything for the Mormon Lit Blitz contest sponsored by Mormon Artist, especially not a submission with fewer than 1000 words. But to-day I got thinking about things, and realized that I had an idea. I sat down and wrote it out -- it was easy, because it was a true story, or rather, two true stories that I was able to combine with one theme -- and suddenly, there it was. My submission. I sent it off before I could lose my nerve. I don't think I'll be one of the finalists. There will be six to twelve finalists, but I already know that they've received at least 28 submissions, and there are still more than two weeks to the deadline. But I tried, and that's what counts. There's still life in the old girl yet.
Well, I see that LDS Publisher is back from her summer holidays and has just announced the 2011 Christmas Short Story Contest. I've put the button on my front page, but I don't know if I'm going to enter this year. Even listening to the song "Don't Shoot Me, Santa Claus" by the Killers hasn't inspired me to come up with a good plot. Not that I was working very hard at it, anyway. I'm right in the middle of another story which is coming along really well, and to tell the truth, I'm not sure I want to take a break from it. I've never been a person who can work on two things at once with equal verve; if I do have two ideas, I end up concentrating on one and ignoring the other, or getting them both mixed up somehow. So I think I'll keep plugging away at my little space opera instead.
Well, I say "little," but it might end up at novella length or even longer before I'm finished. I'd originally planned to submit it to Mindflights, but I started obsessing about the fact that they prefer works of fewer than 5000 words, and then I couldn't write at all. It took a very conscious decision for me to forget those constraints before I could get back in the groove and start working again. I've told myself I'll write it first and then worry about the market later. So far, it's been a productive path. I'm finally done with Very, Very Carefully. I've finished writing, I've finished revising, and I've finished posting. Now I've got plenty of time to work on my next project, and I've even got a new computer with which to work! Yay! My old computer was on its last legs for several weeks now, and I used it with constant fear that it would crash if I didn't treat it just right. Sometimes it crashed anyway. I had to do a lot of work on the laptop, and naturally I'm grateful that I have a laptop, it's just that the keyboard is different, and it always takes me a while to get used to different things. I'm still getting used to the new computer, for instance. But I can tell it's faster and better and more advanced, perfect in every way for my new project -- if I only knew what that new project should be. I feel empty inside, void of all ideas and creativity. Never mind an original story, I can't even think of an idea for a new fanfic, which shows you how desolate my mind is at the moment!
Maybe making lunch will help. Or eating dessert. In my fanfic The First Anniversary, I had Geraldine speak the line, "Chocolate cures everything." Time to put that to the test. :-) I've just started posting my new story, Very, Very Carefully. I've got two parts up already and more will be coming soon. I have to thank the delightful ladies at C19 yet again for their support and encouragement, especially Jaydee09, who helped me so much with this story. If it's any good, it's because of her suggestions and ideas.
Also thank you to Grendel, who made my delightful sig. If you read the story, remember that any kind of feedback is welcome! I've got my email address on my home page for you to contact me. I'll also understand if you don't want to read it, because of the subject matter, though I think I've handled it in a very non-explicit and PG-13 way. In other, very much unrelated news, FirstSon has just got an apprenticeship as a Technical Designer. We are so excited! He'll be attending a special technical college called Theodor-Schäfer-Berufsbildungswerk for people with disabilities, even including Autism Spectrum Disorder and Asperger's Syndrome. Here's a link with a small picture of what it looks like, though of course the site is all in German. Along with design and architecture, FirstSon also loves Pokemon and role play, and spends a lot of time on DeviantArt. I, on the other hand, have trouble drawing stick figures. :-) Well, I've started posting my new fanfic on C19, and on Wattpad, too, despite my misgivings about that site. I suppose it's time for me to stop being coy and actually tell you something about the story so you can decide if you want to read it or not. It's based on a British television series called Strike Back, and you can click on the official website here. Richard Armitage plays SAS soldier John Porter. The summary of my story is: After John Porter is raped while rescuing a female hostage, he and the woman get together to help each other recover.
Yeah, I said rape, but I didn't describe it explicitly. I didn't describe it at all, in fact, although I do refer to it many times later in the story. In the beginning, I only wanted to write a hurt/comfort story with John Porter, like the old Obi-Wan hurt/comfort stories I wrote back in my Star Wars days over at TheForce.net. A bit of torture, a few broken bones, something like that. I didn't want to write about rape, especially not male rape. But no matter what I tried to brainstorm, the idea kept coming back again and again, and finally, I decided to see what I could do with it. If I didn't like it, I didn't have to show it to anybody, I could just delete it and nobody would ever know. Or so I told myself. I did a bit of research, and asked a nurse friend from C19 for some thoughts, too. Then I started to write, and I felt like I couldn't stop. I'd think about it at night while trying to fall asleep, then I'd wake up and start thinking about it the next morning, and little bits and pieces would always be in my mind throughout the day. The resulting story is not meant to be a step-by-step description of recovery from rape. I've shown a few scenes and written a few descriptions so that the reader will know that recovery is taking place, but that's all. I've tried to keep everything kind of vague and non-explicit, not only the details, but also the timeline, because I just don't know how long it would take to recover from something like that, both physically and mentally. It's probably not the best story I've ever written (that would be The Dragon of Throxenby, I think) but it's certainly one of the most challenging. I might not have mastered it perfectly -- in fact, I'm sure I didn't. I worry a lot that I never get the psychology of my characters right, because I'm not really good with emotions and emotional reactions. But I think I did my best with the skills that I have. I'm pleased to report that I'm getting more feedback on C19 than I did with The Loneliness of the Once-Distant Agent, though I suppose that might be due to the novelty of the subject matter. And I've gotten more hits on Wattpad than I expected, though slightly fewer comments. Considering their target audience of romance-lovin' teenaged girls, however, I am neither surprised or displeased at that. In other news, I told my husband recently that if my headstone reflected my real life, it would end up reading something like this: She wasn't the best mother or the best wife, and let's not even talk about her housekeeping skills, or her diet, but dang, she wrote some good stuff. Okay, so that last bit was perhaps wish-fulfilment, but a girl can dream, right? Anyway, Husband laughed and said that I really was a good mother. He never reads any fiction if he can help it, so he wouldn't know about my good writing, but at least he knows I love my family, so I must be doing something right. And I guess that's a good a place to end this blog as any. Normal 0 21 I can't believe it. I've actually finished my fanfic. There I was, writing briskly along, and suddenly I was at the point where I could write "the end" at the bottom. I won't say I've written the last word, though, because I'm already thinking about what I can edit and improve. Yesterday, for instance, while typing along the final stretch, I also stopped to re-write the very first scene.
It seems like I've been riding on a high-speed train that has suddenly screeched to a halt, and I'm looking around and wondering, "Hang on, are we there already? I thought it would take longer." Word count at this exact moment in time: 22 385. Julie Coulter Bellon wrote a post on her blog yesterday about the "Tell and Sell," which is about describing your novel in three ways: in one word, in one sentence, and in thirty seconds. I've been thinking about this all night, and she's right, it's really harder than it looks! My one-word description might be "recovery." I tried "hurt/comfort" but I know that's really two words, even if they are written together. And I've gotten stuck on the one sentence part, too. I need a description of the story for when I start posting it on C19, but it's turning out to be quite difficult to give a teaser without revealing the entire plot. I've been wondering about posting the fic on Wattpad. My initial enthusiasm for that site has waned considerably ever since I found out that their target demographic is teenage girls. But there are a few Richard Armitage fans there, and a few people who appreciate good writing, so I'll probably post it there. I won't be expecting many hits or comments, though. (Or on C19, either, come to think of it.) I also think it will take a day or two for the fanfic dust to settle in my brain and clear the way for me to get back to the story I originally planned to write and submit to Mindflights. I'm still not sure about the ending for this one. I can't see a happy ending, or even one that's very positive, and although I haven't yet read every story at Mindflights, the ones I have read have all ended on a mostly upbeat note. So maybe I won't fit in there, either. But I guess I should write the story first before "horrible-izing," as my mother calls it. The editing cells of my brain are raring to go again, so I'm back to work! So it's now official, FirstSon has just been diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome, apparently fulfilling six of the eight criterion used by this particular psychologist. And I can't help but wonder how many of those criterion I myself would fulfill.
I still haven't got back into the groove of doing all my goals each day. SecondSon is not reading the translation as diligently as I had hoped, which doesn't exactly inspire me to continue. And the weather's been wet, so I'm not tempted to walk as much, either. On the other hand, my fanfic is coming along very well, sometimes so well that I don't want to get up from my computer for anything. Even mealtimes can be an unwelcome interruption when I'm writing -- and for me, that's saying something! I might even be finished soon, and then I can get back to the story I want to submit to Mindflights. |
Melanie Goldmund
I've written fanfic under the name Zelofheda, and some original fic under my real name. Archives
September 2019
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