Second Childhood
Part 20
14 December 2011
When Spencer returned from his break on Wednesday morning, where he and Morgan had played a game of tag in the remains of the melting snow, he saw Strauss and Hotch both standing on the mezzanine in the bullpen, as though waiting for him.
“Dr Reid,” Strauss said. “May I see you in Agent Hotchner’s office?”
“Uh oh,” Morgan teased quietly, but Spencer couldn’t return his smile. Anxiously, he climbed the steps, wondering if it had something to do with Dr Forletta’s assessment.
“I understand that you’ve been disregarding the rule we put in place about you having a supervisor, Dr Reid,” Strauss said once he’d come in and shut the door behind him.
“It’s actually been working out quite well so far,” Spencer tried to assure her. “The team –“
But Strauss interrupted him. “You were abducted from your motel room and tortured, something that would not have happened if you’d had a supervisor there along with Ms Garcia.”
“Actually –“
“I’m not blaming Ms Garcia, but it is not her job to look after you, and the presence of a third person in the room would have prevented that unfortunate incident. Now, I’ve turned a blind eye to you working here in the building without a supervisor, due to the difficulties in finding an appropriate subsitute for Agent Johnson, but it stops here. Dr Forletta and I have found an ideal candidate who is very willing to take over the position, so from now on, if you aren’t working with your supervisor, you aren’t working. Period. Do I make myself clear?”
“The Unsub could also have found a way to abduct me if I’d been alone with my supervisor,” Spencer felt obliged to point out.
“Do I make myself clear, Dr Reid, or do I personally have to escort you to the BAU’s emergency childcare centre?” she repeated.
“Perfectly clear, ma’am,” Spencer replied, responding to the threat by folding his arms across his abdomen. He hadn’t expected to be presented with a new supervisor like this.
Before he could ask who his new supervisor would be, Strauss went on. “Her name is Dr Jean Nadeau, and she’s done consulting work for the Bureau, but one of her patients attacked her with a knife back in the summer, and she’s been recovering ever since. Dr Forletta recommended her in your psych eval assessment, and after interviewing her myself this morning, I’m sure she’ll do an excellent job.”
“Is she physically fit?” Hotch asked. “Does she have any limitations we need to be aware of?”
“She has some small limitations that will not impact her ability to keep an eye on Dr Reid. And I’ve made perfectly clear that the de-aging machine has been destroyed and there is no chance of anybody ever getting into it again, so hopefully we will not have a repeat of …” Strauss hesitated for a just a moment. “The SHIELD incident.”
“When will she start? Is she here to-day?” Spencer asked, wondering if he’d have to put off work until the next morning. Not that he minded working on his paper again, but what if a case came in? Would Hotch really abandon him at childcare?
“I’ve sent her to the conference room, you can go and meet her yourself,” Strauss smiled and opened the door just as Garcia was about to knock.
“Oh, sorry, ma’am.” Garcia sounded flustered as she stepped back, automatically making space for the older woman. Once Strauss had gone by, Garcia came forward again. “Sir, um, we have a case. And there’s a visitor in the conference room?”
“That’s Spencer’s new supervisor,” Hotch said.
“Oh!” Garcia’s eyes lit up in delighted surprise.
“Gather everybody, and we can make the introductions quickly before you present the case,” Hotch went on.
Spencer went to the conference room, wondering what Dr Jean Nadeau would be like. Would she have fun games in mind like Ally had? He hoped she wouldn’t be overbearing or overprotective. But when he entered the room and saw her standing near the table, all such thoughts vanished from his brain, and all he could focus on was her identity. “Harper Hillman?”
She stared back at him for a long moment, searching his face, then finally said, “I haven’t gone by that name for years now.”
Coming in behind him, Hotch asked, “You two know each other?”
“It was a long time ago,” she said, and then she turned her attention back to Spencer. “I didn’t know if I was hoping it would be you, or if I wasn’t.”
The others were starting to come in, too, but Spencer could only move enough to let them go by. He just kept staring at her, seeing the face that was all too familiar and remembering what she’d done. She stared back, probably comparing his current form to her memories, too.
“What are you doing here?” Spencer finally managed to ask, but before she could answer, he turned to Hotch. “If she’s supposed to be – Hotch, I can’t do this. I’d rather –“
But he couldn’t say “I’d rather quit,” or even “I’d rather go to childcare.” He just couldn’t get the words out.
“Something wrong, kid?” Morgan asked, but Hotch addressed the team. “Could you give us the room, please?”
“No, wait, I’ll go,” Spencer said as the others turned to file out again. “You guys have to take the case. I’ll … go.”
He backed up until he bumped into Hotch, and then turned and practically ran out of the room and over to Hotch’s office. Once there, he shut the door and sat down on the couch, pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.
Harper Hillman. He hadn’t seen her since high school; he’d spent almost a full school year trying to avoid her, trying to forget what had happened when she’d come up to him that day in the library. Now, recovering from his shock, he tried to imagine what evil, malicious twist of fate had sent her here, to Quantico, to Strauss’s office, to be his new supervisor? Hadn’t he been through enough already? And what had Strauss said? She was “an ideal candidate who was very willing to take over the position?” Why had she been willing? Did she want to take part in humiliating him again, this time in front of his team? He wanted to vow that he’d never allow that to happen a second time, but then he remembered he was even younger and weaker than he’d been back then. Fortunately, however, he had a team now, a team he could rely on to have his back.
Spencer was just thinking how much he especially trusted Hotch now, and JJ and Emily, too, when the door opened and Hotch looked in. “Spencer?”
“Yeah,” he said, and Hotch came over to sit next to him on the couch.
“I put Dr Nadeau in Rossi’s office,” Hotch said. “She told me she did something terrible to you in high school, and asked if you’d give her five minutes to apologise before she left.”
“Apologise?” Spencer repeated, surprised. He hadn’t expected that. He’d spent the last eighteen years trying to forget, or at least not think of it, and had never once considered that one of his tormentors might feel sorry for what they’d done.
“You don’t need to forgive her,” Hotch said. “She said that, too.”
Spencer sighed. “But if I don’t forgive her and let her be my new supervisor, I’ll never be allowed to work here again, and you might as well just –“
He stopped, and Hotch said, “I won’t put you in childcare. I told you I wouldn’t.”
“I want to work, Hotch, but not with her!”
“May I make a suggestion?” Hotch asked. “Give Dr Nadeau her five minutes. Then when she leaves, we can tell Strauss it was her decision and not yours.”
“All right,” Spencer said, although he had a sinking feeling that Strauss would still be unwilling to let him continue work. He got slowly off the couch and walked down to Rossi’s office. Harper was standing at the window, looking out over the bullpen, and turned to face him as he came in.
“Thank you for agreeing to see me,” she said, putting a professional front on over a worried face. “Would you like to sit down?”
Spencer went around the desk and climbed up on Rossi’s chair. Harper lifted her eyebrows in surprise, then smiled approvingly at his decision as she took one of the other chairs in the room. For the first time, Spencer noticed the scar that ran from the middle of her left cheek back to her ear.
“I’ve been thinking of this for eighteen years, and naturally, this isn’t how I ever imagined it would happen,” she began. She gave him a quick smile, which he did not return, then started again. “Spencer, I am so very sorry for what I did to you. I apologise that I ever wanted to get back at you for being so much smarter than me. You have no idea how sorry I am for being any part of what happened. I’m sorry that I lied to you to get you out of the library, and I’m sorry that I just stood there and watched and didn’t help you. I’m sorry that I ran away and didn’t come back later to check on you. I apologise that I didn’t apologise back then, and if there’s anything else I did that you remember that I forgot, then I apologise for that, too.”
She stopped, then added, “I just wanted you to know that. I don’t deserve your forgiveness and I don’t expect you to give it to me. I’m glad you were willing to listen to my apology. If you’re willing to give me a few more minutes, I can tell you how that day changed my life, or if you’re not, I’ll go away now, and we never have to see each other again.”
“That day changed your life?” Spencer asked incredulously.
“Yeah, I know,” Harper said, and Spencer shuddered inwardly at the memory of having heard her say those exact words in that exact same tone back in school, a day or two before she’d come to him in the library. She went on, “How dare I talk about me when that day was probably one of the worst days of your life, if not the worst? I—“
“No, that’s not what I meant,” Spencer interrupted, trying to shake off the memory. “I just never thought about it having any effect whatsoever on any of you.”
“Well, after what I did, I looked at myself and I didn’t like what I saw. When I went to college, I didn’t want to be Harper anymore, so I started using my middle name, Jean,” she explained.
“Names help form our sense of identity,” Spencer said, falling back on facts because he didn’t know what else to say. “In the Native American naming tradition, it was expected that people would change their names throughout their lives, especially at adolescence, but also later, according to what they had experienced and accomplished.”
“I remember how you used to do that,” Harper said. “Just suddenly start telling us everything we ever wanted to know about a subject, and then some.”
“Sorry.” Spencer grimaced. He knew it was one of the things about him that annoyed others the most, especially back then, and here he was, doing it again right in front of Harper Hillman, of all people!
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Harper said, and yet it wasn’t Harper Hillman anymore, it was someone who looked like her, occasionally acted like her, yet sometimes sounded and sometimes acted like Jean Nadeau. The similarities and differences were staggering.
Spencer didn’t know what he’d expected when Hotch had first mentioned the possibility of an apology, but this was definitely not it. He felt torn between his first reaction, to tell her to leave, and curiosity about how else the incident had changed her. The result was an awkward silence, which Harper – Jean – eventually broke.
“Speaking of names, I was glad to take my husband’s name when I got married, because I didn’t want to be a Hillman anymore, either,” Jean said. “And after that day, I wondered a lot about why I didn’t feel good about what I’d done, or even vindicated, so I decided I was going to study psychology to find out. Eventually, I specialised in adolescents, hoping I could learn to help others like me, try to help them stop being bullies and focus on improving themselves instead of putting others down.”
“And did you manage to help any bullies?” Spencer asked, becoming more intrigued.
“The one who gave me this, I didn’t manage to help at all.” Jean touched her cheek with her hand, and Spencer felt a horrifying jolt of reconigiton. She’d put her hand up in exactly that same way on that day, except she’d clapped it over her mouth instead of self-consciously feeling her face.
“But before that, a few,” Jean went on, and tried a quick smile. “I hope.”
“If you’re specialised in adolescent psychology, how did you end up doing consulting work for the FBI?” Spencer asked.
“Dr Forletta is my mentor, and the person I go to when things get … hard.” Jean put her hand down again. “She would have liked to have recruited me, I think, but she was happy enough that I chose to be available on occasion for adolescents involved in federal crimes.”
“Past tense,” Spencer said, forcing himself to focus on her words and not on the past. “You’re not choosing that anymore?”
Jean stopped herself in the act of reaching up to her face again. “I’m … not sure. This – being your supervisor – Dr Forletta thought it might give me a chance to do something productive while having the opportunity to think about how I want to go forwards. She didn’t know it was you. I wasn’t sure myself. I mean, there must be other people out there named Spencer Reid.”
Just hearing her say his name reminded him of how she’d approached him in the library. Spencer hesitated for a long moment, thinking of how it had felt before and after he’d finally forgiven JJ, and Jean waited patiently.
“You know what?” Spencer finally said. “What happened was a long time ago, we both survived, I’m glad it changed you for the better, and I forgive you, I really do, but I don’t want to work with you.”
“All right,” Jean said. She actually looked relieved. “Thank for you listening to me, and thank you for your forgiveness. I hope everything turns out all right for you with this whole de-aging thing.”
“Good-bye,” Spencer said. “I hope you find your way forward.”
She stood up and went out, and Spencer stared after her for a long moment, thinking that he might have liked Jean if he’d hadn’t met Harper first. But he had, and no matter how much Jean had improved her personality, she still looked like Harper, scar or no scar, and she still moved like Harper. He’d be reminded of Harper every time he looked at her, and that wasn’t something he could deal with on a daily basis, even if he had forgiven her. His heart sinking at the thought of what his decision would mean, Spencer got down from the chair and exited the office. Hotch was standing on the mezzanine with their go-bags, obviously waiting, and Spencer went over slowly.
“I think I just lost my job,” he told Hotch. “I could hide out somewhere here until you come back, except that the way from the bullpen to the men’s bathroom leads right by Strauss’s office, and she’d probably catch me sooner or later, so you might as well just take me to the emergency childcare centre and get it over with.”
“I won’t take you to childcare, and you don’t have to hide out, either. I’ll call Jessica,” Hotch suggested, but his tone of voice made it clear he knew that even that situation wasn’t ideal.
Spencer heard footsteps behind him and knew it was Garcia before Hotch said her name.
“Spencer won’t be going with us, so you don’t have to go, either, unless you want to,” Hotch told her.
“Oh!” Garcia exclaimed. “Did something happen, is something wrong? Are you staying, too, sir?”
“No, Hotch won’t be staying, otherwise Strauss will find a way to fire him, too,” Spencer said. Garcia looked horrified.
“You’re not fired. You’re not even officially suspended,” Hotch said.
“Yet,” Spencer corrected him.
“But it really would be better if I went. I’m sorry, Spencer.”
“I know. It’s okay,” Spencer forced himself to say. “But you’d better call Jessica before the plane takes off without you.”
Instead of reaching for his phone, however, Hotch asked, “Garcia, the new supervisor for Spencer didn’t work out. Is there any chance you could take him until we get back?”
“Sure!” she volunteered, visibly cheering up at the very thought.
“If you don’t have everything you need, you have Jessica’s number and she’s got keys to my apartment,” Hotch said.
“No problem, sir!” Garcia replied. “You go on, sir, I’ll take good care of him. Bye!”
“Bye, Hotch,” Spencer said, trying not to sound too sad.
“Good-bye, Spencer.” Hotch took his bag and went down the steps. Watching him go through the glass doors made Spencer want to cry. He bit down on his lip and recited twenty digits of pi, then looked up at Garcia and asked, “What about Kevin?”
He knew Kevin even less well than he did Jessica, and had no idea how the man would react to Spencer’s presence, or being woken up in the middle of the night if Spencer had a bad dream.
Garcia’s face fell. “We broke up last week. He wanted – well, I wanted – well, we just wanted different things. So, anyway, he won’t be a problem.”
Sad for his friend, but relieved that Kevin wouldn’t be there, Spencer said, “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me, too,” said Garcia. “But thanks. Oh, you missed the briefing, so here’s your file. I’ll get you a comfy chair and we’ll go to my office and get back to work.”
That sounded good. Spencer took the brown folder and said, “I can get the chair if you take my go-bag.”
“I think I can manage that.” Smiling happily, Garcia let him go down the steps first while she picked up both bags. Spencer went over to his desk, put the file on his chair, and started to push it towards the glass doors. Just then, however, one of them swung open and Strauss marched in, focusing on him immediately.
“Dr Reid!” she exclaimed. “What are you doing?”
What did it look like he was doing? “Moving a chair?”
“Your new supervisor just came by to tell me it wasn’t going to work out, and now I find you trying to work without her when I expressly told you not to.”
“I’m not working, ma’am.” Not yet, anyway. Perhaps not ever again.
“You have a file on that chair, Dr Reid. You’re trying to sneak off somewhere where you think you can hide from me. Dr Forletta and I went to a lot of trouble to get a new supervisor for you, Dr Nadeau was perfect, and you just refused to work with her for no good reason?” Strauss didn’t raise her voice, but her anger was clearly audible.
Spencer hesitated. He was not about to announce to the entire bullpen that there was in fact a very good reason why he never wanted to see Harper – Jean – again, and so he just stood there, looking stupidly up at Strauss. She glared back, then reached out and grabbed his wrist.
“Come on,” she said, pulling him away from the chair.
“Please let go of me, I can walk by myself,” Spencer protested, but Strauss didn’t respond, and didn’t release his arm, either.
“Ma’am? Where are you taking him?” Garcia asked, horrified. “Because I can look after him!”
“Certainly not, Ms Garcia. Dr Reid is suspended until Agent Hotchner returns, and I am taking him to the BAU’s emergency childcare centre,” Strauss announced, striding towards the door so forcefully that Spencer almost stumbled, trying to keep up. “I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, Dr Reid, but you have forced my hand. I told you that if you weren’t working with your supervisor, you would not be working at all, and here I find you deliberately going behind my back!”
“Ma’am!” Garcia protested, tottering after them on her high heels. “His bag!”
Strauss jabbed the button for the elevator, then made a grab for the strap, but missed and had to try again. In an icy tone of rage, she said, “Thank you, Ms Garcia. Now kindly return to your office.”
“Spencer, don’t worry, I’ll come visit you,” Garcia promised, shooting Strauss a hate-filled glare before retreating.
“Thank you, Garcia,” Spencer said, trying to slip his wrist free, but Strauss tightened her grip.
The elevator came, and Strauss dragged Spencer inside. When the doors had shut, she leaned down to him and hissed, “Do you have any idea how much trouble I went through to get Dr Nadeau cleared to work with you?”
Spencer was astounded to smell alcohol on her breath that wasn’t completely masked by the mint she’d chewed, and wondered how much of her anger was due to the drink. She hadn’t been like this a few months ago, when he’d first been de-aged and they’d had the original discussion of a supervisor for him. What had happened in the meantime?
“Ma’am?” he asked cautiously. “Are you all right?”
“Of course I’m all right!” Strauss didn’t just snap, she practically exploded. After a moment, she took a deep breath and managed to modulate her voice back down to the tone of cold fury she’d used before. “Why wouldn’t I be, after having spent the entire morning re-arranging my schedule to get Dr Nadeau in here, only for you to just say, ‘Oh, no, I can’t work with her!’ It doesn’t matter to you that other people might be bending over backwards to accommodate you, you just do whatever you damn well please!”
The elevator stopped and the doors opened. Strauss pulled Spencer along behind her as she went out, marching down the corridor and turning the corner to a place Spencer had never had occasion to visit before. They stopped in front of a brightly decorated door, and Strauss reached up to press a doorbell set at about the height of her head. After a long moment, the door opened.
“This is Spencer Reid,” Strauss said, yanking him forwards. Her voice was still projecting her barely-controlled rage. “He’ll be staying here until his guardian – and nobody but his guardian, SSA Aaron Hotchner – comes to pick him up again.“
“Spencer Reid?“ the woman asked. Obviously, the rumours had reached here, too. “Dr Spencer Reid? Ma’am, are you sure this isn’t a mistake?”
“No mistake. Go on, Dr Reid.” Strauss transferred his arm to the woman, then held out his go-bag as well. With her free hand, she reached over and plucked his badge from his shirt and practically snarled, “I’ll take this!”
Then she turned and strode away again.
Part 21
Part 19
Return to Criminal Minds Page
When Spencer returned from his break on Wednesday morning, where he and Morgan had played a game of tag in the remains of the melting snow, he saw Strauss and Hotch both standing on the mezzanine in the bullpen, as though waiting for him.
“Dr Reid,” Strauss said. “May I see you in Agent Hotchner’s office?”
“Uh oh,” Morgan teased quietly, but Spencer couldn’t return his smile. Anxiously, he climbed the steps, wondering if it had something to do with Dr Forletta’s assessment.
“I understand that you’ve been disregarding the rule we put in place about you having a supervisor, Dr Reid,” Strauss said once he’d come in and shut the door behind him.
“It’s actually been working out quite well so far,” Spencer tried to assure her. “The team –“
But Strauss interrupted him. “You were abducted from your motel room and tortured, something that would not have happened if you’d had a supervisor there along with Ms Garcia.”
“Actually –“
“I’m not blaming Ms Garcia, but it is not her job to look after you, and the presence of a third person in the room would have prevented that unfortunate incident. Now, I’ve turned a blind eye to you working here in the building without a supervisor, due to the difficulties in finding an appropriate subsitute for Agent Johnson, but it stops here. Dr Forletta and I have found an ideal candidate who is very willing to take over the position, so from now on, if you aren’t working with your supervisor, you aren’t working. Period. Do I make myself clear?”
“The Unsub could also have found a way to abduct me if I’d been alone with my supervisor,” Spencer felt obliged to point out.
“Do I make myself clear, Dr Reid, or do I personally have to escort you to the BAU’s emergency childcare centre?” she repeated.
“Perfectly clear, ma’am,” Spencer replied, responding to the threat by folding his arms across his abdomen. He hadn’t expected to be presented with a new supervisor like this.
Before he could ask who his new supervisor would be, Strauss went on. “Her name is Dr Jean Nadeau, and she’s done consulting work for the Bureau, but one of her patients attacked her with a knife back in the summer, and she’s been recovering ever since. Dr Forletta recommended her in your psych eval assessment, and after interviewing her myself this morning, I’m sure she’ll do an excellent job.”
“Is she physically fit?” Hotch asked. “Does she have any limitations we need to be aware of?”
“She has some small limitations that will not impact her ability to keep an eye on Dr Reid. And I’ve made perfectly clear that the de-aging machine has been destroyed and there is no chance of anybody ever getting into it again, so hopefully we will not have a repeat of …” Strauss hesitated for a just a moment. “The SHIELD incident.”
“When will she start? Is she here to-day?” Spencer asked, wondering if he’d have to put off work until the next morning. Not that he minded working on his paper again, but what if a case came in? Would Hotch really abandon him at childcare?
“I’ve sent her to the conference room, you can go and meet her yourself,” Strauss smiled and opened the door just as Garcia was about to knock.
“Oh, sorry, ma’am.” Garcia sounded flustered as she stepped back, automatically making space for the older woman. Once Strauss had gone by, Garcia came forward again. “Sir, um, we have a case. And there’s a visitor in the conference room?”
“That’s Spencer’s new supervisor,” Hotch said.
“Oh!” Garcia’s eyes lit up in delighted surprise.
“Gather everybody, and we can make the introductions quickly before you present the case,” Hotch went on.
Spencer went to the conference room, wondering what Dr Jean Nadeau would be like. Would she have fun games in mind like Ally had? He hoped she wouldn’t be overbearing or overprotective. But when he entered the room and saw her standing near the table, all such thoughts vanished from his brain, and all he could focus on was her identity. “Harper Hillman?”
She stared back at him for a long moment, searching his face, then finally said, “I haven’t gone by that name for years now.”
Coming in behind him, Hotch asked, “You two know each other?”
“It was a long time ago,” she said, and then she turned her attention back to Spencer. “I didn’t know if I was hoping it would be you, or if I wasn’t.”
The others were starting to come in, too, but Spencer could only move enough to let them go by. He just kept staring at her, seeing the face that was all too familiar and remembering what she’d done. She stared back, probably comparing his current form to her memories, too.
“What are you doing here?” Spencer finally managed to ask, but before she could answer, he turned to Hotch. “If she’s supposed to be – Hotch, I can’t do this. I’d rather –“
But he couldn’t say “I’d rather quit,” or even “I’d rather go to childcare.” He just couldn’t get the words out.
“Something wrong, kid?” Morgan asked, but Hotch addressed the team. “Could you give us the room, please?”
“No, wait, I’ll go,” Spencer said as the others turned to file out again. “You guys have to take the case. I’ll … go.”
He backed up until he bumped into Hotch, and then turned and practically ran out of the room and over to Hotch’s office. Once there, he shut the door and sat down on the couch, pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.
Harper Hillman. He hadn’t seen her since high school; he’d spent almost a full school year trying to avoid her, trying to forget what had happened when she’d come up to him that day in the library. Now, recovering from his shock, he tried to imagine what evil, malicious twist of fate had sent her here, to Quantico, to Strauss’s office, to be his new supervisor? Hadn’t he been through enough already? And what had Strauss said? She was “an ideal candidate who was very willing to take over the position?” Why had she been willing? Did she want to take part in humiliating him again, this time in front of his team? He wanted to vow that he’d never allow that to happen a second time, but then he remembered he was even younger and weaker than he’d been back then. Fortunately, however, he had a team now, a team he could rely on to have his back.
Spencer was just thinking how much he especially trusted Hotch now, and JJ and Emily, too, when the door opened and Hotch looked in. “Spencer?”
“Yeah,” he said, and Hotch came over to sit next to him on the couch.
“I put Dr Nadeau in Rossi’s office,” Hotch said. “She told me she did something terrible to you in high school, and asked if you’d give her five minutes to apologise before she left.”
“Apologise?” Spencer repeated, surprised. He hadn’t expected that. He’d spent the last eighteen years trying to forget, or at least not think of it, and had never once considered that one of his tormentors might feel sorry for what they’d done.
“You don’t need to forgive her,” Hotch said. “She said that, too.”
Spencer sighed. “But if I don’t forgive her and let her be my new supervisor, I’ll never be allowed to work here again, and you might as well just –“
He stopped, and Hotch said, “I won’t put you in childcare. I told you I wouldn’t.”
“I want to work, Hotch, but not with her!”
“May I make a suggestion?” Hotch asked. “Give Dr Nadeau her five minutes. Then when she leaves, we can tell Strauss it was her decision and not yours.”
“All right,” Spencer said, although he had a sinking feeling that Strauss would still be unwilling to let him continue work. He got slowly off the couch and walked down to Rossi’s office. Harper was standing at the window, looking out over the bullpen, and turned to face him as he came in.
“Thank you for agreeing to see me,” she said, putting a professional front on over a worried face. “Would you like to sit down?”
Spencer went around the desk and climbed up on Rossi’s chair. Harper lifted her eyebrows in surprise, then smiled approvingly at his decision as she took one of the other chairs in the room. For the first time, Spencer noticed the scar that ran from the middle of her left cheek back to her ear.
“I’ve been thinking of this for eighteen years, and naturally, this isn’t how I ever imagined it would happen,” she began. She gave him a quick smile, which he did not return, then started again. “Spencer, I am so very sorry for what I did to you. I apologise that I ever wanted to get back at you for being so much smarter than me. You have no idea how sorry I am for being any part of what happened. I’m sorry that I lied to you to get you out of the library, and I’m sorry that I just stood there and watched and didn’t help you. I’m sorry that I ran away and didn’t come back later to check on you. I apologise that I didn’t apologise back then, and if there’s anything else I did that you remember that I forgot, then I apologise for that, too.”
She stopped, then added, “I just wanted you to know that. I don’t deserve your forgiveness and I don’t expect you to give it to me. I’m glad you were willing to listen to my apology. If you’re willing to give me a few more minutes, I can tell you how that day changed my life, or if you’re not, I’ll go away now, and we never have to see each other again.”
“That day changed your life?” Spencer asked incredulously.
“Yeah, I know,” Harper said, and Spencer shuddered inwardly at the memory of having heard her say those exact words in that exact same tone back in school, a day or two before she’d come to him in the library. She went on, “How dare I talk about me when that day was probably one of the worst days of your life, if not the worst? I—“
“No, that’s not what I meant,” Spencer interrupted, trying to shake off the memory. “I just never thought about it having any effect whatsoever on any of you.”
“Well, after what I did, I looked at myself and I didn’t like what I saw. When I went to college, I didn’t want to be Harper anymore, so I started using my middle name, Jean,” she explained.
“Names help form our sense of identity,” Spencer said, falling back on facts because he didn’t know what else to say. “In the Native American naming tradition, it was expected that people would change their names throughout their lives, especially at adolescence, but also later, according to what they had experienced and accomplished.”
“I remember how you used to do that,” Harper said. “Just suddenly start telling us everything we ever wanted to know about a subject, and then some.”
“Sorry.” Spencer grimaced. He knew it was one of the things about him that annoyed others the most, especially back then, and here he was, doing it again right in front of Harper Hillman, of all people!
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Harper said, and yet it wasn’t Harper Hillman anymore, it was someone who looked like her, occasionally acted like her, yet sometimes sounded and sometimes acted like Jean Nadeau. The similarities and differences were staggering.
Spencer didn’t know what he’d expected when Hotch had first mentioned the possibility of an apology, but this was definitely not it. He felt torn between his first reaction, to tell her to leave, and curiosity about how else the incident had changed her. The result was an awkward silence, which Harper – Jean – eventually broke.
“Speaking of names, I was glad to take my husband’s name when I got married, because I didn’t want to be a Hillman anymore, either,” Jean said. “And after that day, I wondered a lot about why I didn’t feel good about what I’d done, or even vindicated, so I decided I was going to study psychology to find out. Eventually, I specialised in adolescents, hoping I could learn to help others like me, try to help them stop being bullies and focus on improving themselves instead of putting others down.”
“And did you manage to help any bullies?” Spencer asked, becoming more intrigued.
“The one who gave me this, I didn’t manage to help at all.” Jean touched her cheek with her hand, and Spencer felt a horrifying jolt of reconigiton. She’d put her hand up in exactly that same way on that day, except she’d clapped it over her mouth instead of self-consciously feeling her face.
“But before that, a few,” Jean went on, and tried a quick smile. “I hope.”
“If you’re specialised in adolescent psychology, how did you end up doing consulting work for the FBI?” Spencer asked.
“Dr Forletta is my mentor, and the person I go to when things get … hard.” Jean put her hand down again. “She would have liked to have recruited me, I think, but she was happy enough that I chose to be available on occasion for adolescents involved in federal crimes.”
“Past tense,” Spencer said, forcing himself to focus on her words and not on the past. “You’re not choosing that anymore?”
Jean stopped herself in the act of reaching up to her face again. “I’m … not sure. This – being your supervisor – Dr Forletta thought it might give me a chance to do something productive while having the opportunity to think about how I want to go forwards. She didn’t know it was you. I wasn’t sure myself. I mean, there must be other people out there named Spencer Reid.”
Just hearing her say his name reminded him of how she’d approached him in the library. Spencer hesitated for a long moment, thinking of how it had felt before and after he’d finally forgiven JJ, and Jean waited patiently.
“You know what?” Spencer finally said. “What happened was a long time ago, we both survived, I’m glad it changed you for the better, and I forgive you, I really do, but I don’t want to work with you.”
“All right,” Jean said. She actually looked relieved. “Thank for you listening to me, and thank you for your forgiveness. I hope everything turns out all right for you with this whole de-aging thing.”
“Good-bye,” Spencer said. “I hope you find your way forward.”
She stood up and went out, and Spencer stared after her for a long moment, thinking that he might have liked Jean if he’d hadn’t met Harper first. But he had, and no matter how much Jean had improved her personality, she still looked like Harper, scar or no scar, and she still moved like Harper. He’d be reminded of Harper every time he looked at her, and that wasn’t something he could deal with on a daily basis, even if he had forgiven her. His heart sinking at the thought of what his decision would mean, Spencer got down from the chair and exited the office. Hotch was standing on the mezzanine with their go-bags, obviously waiting, and Spencer went over slowly.
“I think I just lost my job,” he told Hotch. “I could hide out somewhere here until you come back, except that the way from the bullpen to the men’s bathroom leads right by Strauss’s office, and she’d probably catch me sooner or later, so you might as well just take me to the emergency childcare centre and get it over with.”
“I won’t take you to childcare, and you don’t have to hide out, either. I’ll call Jessica,” Hotch suggested, but his tone of voice made it clear he knew that even that situation wasn’t ideal.
Spencer heard footsteps behind him and knew it was Garcia before Hotch said her name.
“Spencer won’t be going with us, so you don’t have to go, either, unless you want to,” Hotch told her.
“Oh!” Garcia exclaimed. “Did something happen, is something wrong? Are you staying, too, sir?”
“No, Hotch won’t be staying, otherwise Strauss will find a way to fire him, too,” Spencer said. Garcia looked horrified.
“You’re not fired. You’re not even officially suspended,” Hotch said.
“Yet,” Spencer corrected him.
“But it really would be better if I went. I’m sorry, Spencer.”
“I know. It’s okay,” Spencer forced himself to say. “But you’d better call Jessica before the plane takes off without you.”
Instead of reaching for his phone, however, Hotch asked, “Garcia, the new supervisor for Spencer didn’t work out. Is there any chance you could take him until we get back?”
“Sure!” she volunteered, visibly cheering up at the very thought.
“If you don’t have everything you need, you have Jessica’s number and she’s got keys to my apartment,” Hotch said.
“No problem, sir!” Garcia replied. “You go on, sir, I’ll take good care of him. Bye!”
“Bye, Hotch,” Spencer said, trying not to sound too sad.
“Good-bye, Spencer.” Hotch took his bag and went down the steps. Watching him go through the glass doors made Spencer want to cry. He bit down on his lip and recited twenty digits of pi, then looked up at Garcia and asked, “What about Kevin?”
He knew Kevin even less well than he did Jessica, and had no idea how the man would react to Spencer’s presence, or being woken up in the middle of the night if Spencer had a bad dream.
Garcia’s face fell. “We broke up last week. He wanted – well, I wanted – well, we just wanted different things. So, anyway, he won’t be a problem.”
Sad for his friend, but relieved that Kevin wouldn’t be there, Spencer said, “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me, too,” said Garcia. “But thanks. Oh, you missed the briefing, so here’s your file. I’ll get you a comfy chair and we’ll go to my office and get back to work.”
That sounded good. Spencer took the brown folder and said, “I can get the chair if you take my go-bag.”
“I think I can manage that.” Smiling happily, Garcia let him go down the steps first while she picked up both bags. Spencer went over to his desk, put the file on his chair, and started to push it towards the glass doors. Just then, however, one of them swung open and Strauss marched in, focusing on him immediately.
“Dr Reid!” she exclaimed. “What are you doing?”
What did it look like he was doing? “Moving a chair?”
“Your new supervisor just came by to tell me it wasn’t going to work out, and now I find you trying to work without her when I expressly told you not to.”
“I’m not working, ma’am.” Not yet, anyway. Perhaps not ever again.
“You have a file on that chair, Dr Reid. You’re trying to sneak off somewhere where you think you can hide from me. Dr Forletta and I went to a lot of trouble to get a new supervisor for you, Dr Nadeau was perfect, and you just refused to work with her for no good reason?” Strauss didn’t raise her voice, but her anger was clearly audible.
Spencer hesitated. He was not about to announce to the entire bullpen that there was in fact a very good reason why he never wanted to see Harper – Jean – again, and so he just stood there, looking stupidly up at Strauss. She glared back, then reached out and grabbed his wrist.
“Come on,” she said, pulling him away from the chair.
“Please let go of me, I can walk by myself,” Spencer protested, but Strauss didn’t respond, and didn’t release his arm, either.
“Ma’am? Where are you taking him?” Garcia asked, horrified. “Because I can look after him!”
“Certainly not, Ms Garcia. Dr Reid is suspended until Agent Hotchner returns, and I am taking him to the BAU’s emergency childcare centre,” Strauss announced, striding towards the door so forcefully that Spencer almost stumbled, trying to keep up. “I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, Dr Reid, but you have forced my hand. I told you that if you weren’t working with your supervisor, you would not be working at all, and here I find you deliberately going behind my back!”
“Ma’am!” Garcia protested, tottering after them on her high heels. “His bag!”
Strauss jabbed the button for the elevator, then made a grab for the strap, but missed and had to try again. In an icy tone of rage, she said, “Thank you, Ms Garcia. Now kindly return to your office.”
“Spencer, don’t worry, I’ll come visit you,” Garcia promised, shooting Strauss a hate-filled glare before retreating.
“Thank you, Garcia,” Spencer said, trying to slip his wrist free, but Strauss tightened her grip.
The elevator came, and Strauss dragged Spencer inside. When the doors had shut, she leaned down to him and hissed, “Do you have any idea how much trouble I went through to get Dr Nadeau cleared to work with you?”
Spencer was astounded to smell alcohol on her breath that wasn’t completely masked by the mint she’d chewed, and wondered how much of her anger was due to the drink. She hadn’t been like this a few months ago, when he’d first been de-aged and they’d had the original discussion of a supervisor for him. What had happened in the meantime?
“Ma’am?” he asked cautiously. “Are you all right?”
“Of course I’m all right!” Strauss didn’t just snap, she practically exploded. After a moment, she took a deep breath and managed to modulate her voice back down to the tone of cold fury she’d used before. “Why wouldn’t I be, after having spent the entire morning re-arranging my schedule to get Dr Nadeau in here, only for you to just say, ‘Oh, no, I can’t work with her!’ It doesn’t matter to you that other people might be bending over backwards to accommodate you, you just do whatever you damn well please!”
The elevator stopped and the doors opened. Strauss pulled Spencer along behind her as she went out, marching down the corridor and turning the corner to a place Spencer had never had occasion to visit before. They stopped in front of a brightly decorated door, and Strauss reached up to press a doorbell set at about the height of her head. After a long moment, the door opened.
“This is Spencer Reid,” Strauss said, yanking him forwards. Her voice was still projecting her barely-controlled rage. “He’ll be staying here until his guardian – and nobody but his guardian, SSA Aaron Hotchner – comes to pick him up again.“
“Spencer Reid?“ the woman asked. Obviously, the rumours had reached here, too. “Dr Spencer Reid? Ma’am, are you sure this isn’t a mistake?”
“No mistake. Go on, Dr Reid.” Strauss transferred his arm to the woman, then held out his go-bag as well. With her free hand, she reached over and plucked his badge from his shirt and practically snarled, “I’ll take this!”
Then she turned and strode away again.
Part 21
Part 19
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