Just a quick update to tell you all that I got masses of support from the delightful ladies over at C19, and I will be continuing to post my fanfic. One of them has consented to help me figure out anything that needs to be changed or improved, and I have already started making changes. I no longer feel the desire to wipe the story from the face of the earth and pretend it never happened; instead I am sure I can make it
So I got up this morning and went straight to the computer to see if I'd gotten any new reviews. I had. On Wattpad, a reader pointed out that I had gotten the psychology of my story completely wrong. Once she'd pointed it out, I could see exactly where she was right and I was wrong. I am absolutely devastated, and angry with myself for ever thinking I could pull it off. I should have known I didn't have the skills, and probably never will. I might be good with grammar and spelling, but I have a huge weakness in the emotional department. My first reaction is to erase everything about the story and pretend it never happened, to cover up this huge mistake. How can I continue to let people read it, knowing that it's wrong? Knowing that it's stupid? Theoretically, I know I hve some readers who won't care and who'll want to read to the end, to see what happens, but ... I just don't know.
I hate making mistakes.
I hate having weaknesses.
And I know that the Lord gives us weaknesses, or allows us to have them, so that we can be humble, but I'm telling you right now, it's not working with me. I AM NOT HUMBLE!
I'm just pathetic.
Okay, the bad news is that while I was working on the story that I had intended to submit to Mindflights, I suddenly realized I had a big problem -- the kind of huge problem that completely negates the entire storyline. And I don't know how to fix it. I'm not sure it can be fixed.
*tears hair, remaining three strands fall out*
The good news, on the other hand, is that I am getting lots and lots of hits on the Wattpad version of Very, Very Carefully. And the delightful ladies at C19 have been giving me lots of excellent comments and praise. I will go to bed to-night purring like a cat.
*beams happily -- bald, but happy*
Just another day on the roller coaster of life.
Well, I've started posting my new fanfic on C19, and on Wattpad, too, despite my misgivings about that site. I suppose it's time for me to stop being coy and actually tell you something about the story so you can decide if you want to read it or not. It's based on a British television series called Strike Back, and you can click on the official website here. Richard Armitage plays SAS soldier John Porter. The summary of my story is: After John Porter is raped while rescuing a female hostage, he and the woman get together to help each other recover.
Yeah, I said rape, but I didn't describe it explicitly. I didn't describe it at all, in fact, although I do refer to it many times later in the story. In the beginning, I only wanted to write a hurt/comfort story with John Porter, like the old Obi-Wan hurt/comfort stories I wrote back in my Star Wars days over at TheForce.net. A bit of torture, a few broken bones, something like that. I didn't want to write about rape, especially not male rape. But no matter what I tried to brainstorm, the idea kept coming back again and again, and finally, I decided to see what I could do with it. If I didn't like it, I didn't have to show it to anybody, I could just delete it and nobody would ever know. Or so I told myself. I did a bit of research, and asked a nurse friend from C19 for some thoughts, too. Then I started to write, and I felt like I couldn't stop. I'd think about it at night while trying to fall asleep, then I'd wake up and start thinking about it the next morning, and little bits and pieces would always be in my mind throughout the day.
The resulting story is not meant to be a step-by-step description of recovery from rape. I've shown a few scenes and written a few descriptions so that the reader will know that recovery is taking place, but that's all. I've tried to keep everything kind of vague and non-explicit, not only the details, but also the timeline, because I just don't know how long it would take to recover from something like that, both physically and mentally. It's probably not the best story I've ever written (that would be The Dragon of Throxenby, I think) but it's certainly one of the most challenging. I might not have mastered it perfectly -- in fact, I'm sure I didn't. I worry a lot that I never get the psychology of my characters right, because I'm not really good with emotions and emotional reactions. But I think I did my best with the skills that I have.
I'm pleased to report that I'm getting more feedback on C19 than I did with The Loneliness of the Once-Distant Agent, though I suppose that might be due to the novelty of the subject matter. And I've gotten more hits on Wattpad than I expected, though slightly fewer comments. Considering their target audience of romance-lovin' teenaged girls, however, I am neither surprised or displeased at that.
In other news, I told my husband recently that if my headstone reflected my real life, it would end up reading something like this:
She wasn't the best mother or the best wife,
and let's not even talk about her housekeeping skills,
or her diet,
but dang, she wrote some good stuff.
Okay, so that last bit was perhaps wish-fulfilment, but a girl can dream, right? Anyway, Husband laughed and said that I really was a good mother. He never reads any fiction if he can help it, so he wouldn't know about my good writing, but at least he knows I love my family, so I must be doing something right. And I guess that's a good a place to end this blog as any.
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I've written fanfic under the name Zelofheda, and some original fic under my real name.